New Beginnings?

Moments like these are meant to hurt.

Soak it up; cry.

Do it coz you feel like you're gonna die!

Heart pounding.

Tears streaming.

All you hear is loveless screaming.

You lay your head down, sleep this away.

Not today, not tomorrow, nor the next.

Bless your soul you fragile angel.

Someone else is more deserving of your heart.

Move on, head high, choose a new beginning, a new start. 

Breathe that fresh, crisp air!

You'll find him, I swear.

He's gotta be out there somewhere...

. : If you cry quiet enough, you can actually hear your heart breaking : .

Wait, Wonder, Walk.

The sun shines down on my face.

I feel your warmth.

All I can think of is you.

I am hopeless.

My fingers dance across these steel strings.

My mind is frozen.

I stare at everything and nothing at the same time.

I am only alive when I'm with you.

Breathe air back into my lungs!

Ignite, and let me spark.

You're imbedded in my mind.

Woven deep in my heart.

If I tried to pry you out, I would only hurt myself.

Loving you aches, but not loving you would be fatal.

So take my hand, just for now.

Walk with me to the ends of the earth.

Talk, giggle, stare, gaze.

I don't know where I am, nor do I care.

If you're with me, and I'm with you,

Then I know I'm where I belong.

_________________________________________________________________

DON'T JUDGE ME!! I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC AND LOVE CHEESY STUFF! 'NUFF SAID! LOL :)

. : Hold your breath under water, it makes things exciting : .

My darling; November.

The clouds open up like a curtain to reveal the blue sky.
The air is cool. The leaves are brown. The grass is lush.
This is November.

Feeling the need to start fresh and new.
The aroma of coffee. The silence of thought.
This is November.

The warmth of home and a comforting presence.
Toes curled under a sea of blankets.
This is November.

. : Keep me close to your heart, or else you might lose me : .

Take it off Bitch!

I'm in a reckless mood. I don't know how to describe it. I used to tell people that I want to be a porn star one day. It's funny because a bit of me actually wants to do just that. I don't really care anymore. Ideally I want to do sultry photo shoots but that still entails me to drop some clothes. So here I am. Making contact with photographers and setting stuff up. I'm going to sell my body? Really? Hmm, well, yea I suppose I am. What else am I good for? That seems like something I ought to do.
I don't really know how to feel right now. But it doesn't matter. I am one to make rash decisions. So here we go. Buckle up Nikki, this may not be a joy ride. But who knows what will come of all your crazy ideas right? Pah! Whatever! It makes you a little slut just like everyone thinks anyway right?
I've yet to find someone who truly appreciates me the way I should be. Or maybe they haven't voiced out their opinions. Or maybe I'm just being an emotional wreck just saying these stupid things. God I don't know. But either way, I am lonesome and there's no one here to comfort me. I am confused. I need to ease my mind. But I can't. Grrr! Fuck..whatever... :)

.: Sometimes my smiles are fake, they cover up what I'm not telling : .

Nevermind

I've done a lot of thinking. And maybe I'm going to come off as a bit sour. But I feel I have lost hope in some sense. I don't know where to begin. I feel like a lot of things in my life have to start from ground zero and work their way up, once again. My wall of bricks has been toppled over, and now I, alone, have to pick them up and rebuild what was once there. I am getting farther apart from my friends. I don't feel close-knit with many people anymore. My ex still wants me but I'm definitely looking for something else (which probably isn't looking for me anyway). I am a failure with my education...etc.
I want to be more than what I am. But what do I do? I sit here and sulk. How does that fix anything? Well it doesn't! And yet, here I am. Fuck!

. : I am speechless (or so I think) : .

Knowing Is the Key?

People grow and learn things. People learn things and grow.
What does it take to feel complete in this world?
For some, its rich literature, others it may be advice well given.
How am I to know? I don't feel a sense of fulfillment. I am not half as knowledgeable as I would ever hope to be.

I feel like a blank person today. An unlabeled can.
My views are not controversial enough. I go with the flow, so to speak. Do I have solid opinions? I wouldn't say so. I need something stable. Something I am totally submerged in and passionate about.

What is it then? I have no clue. I do know though that I don't feel whole.I walk around thinking I know what life is all about, but do I? Not really. I'm just someone walking by.

No real way of thinking. I 'm not in a fixed mold. I am soft clay that hasn't taken form yet. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. Where do I belong? On the shelf to be fancied? Or do I belong as something more useful?

I need to get out there. Experience more. Learn more. Know more.

. : Making others happy is great. But make sure you're making you happy too. : .

Cherish These Moments, Love Forever.

Be inspired! Do what you gotta do. Life is full of mystery. Take everything with a grain of salt, if you will. Miracles are magical. Life is full of tiny miracles!
The earth. How things change and we grow.

People don't spend enough time to take it all in. When you think of it, we all live too short. Experience and fulfillment. This is what we should all be running after.

Do things that make you happy and feel complete. Squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of your day-to-day doings. And when you look back, you'll see the journey you've been on. Artwork to be marveled at. What an interesting individual.

Open your eyes. Be adventurous. This is how you can glow and sprinkle your bliss on others.

Everyone can choose what they may. But each path and rout has its own set of obstacles and this is what makes us different.

Love till you can't anymore. And then love some more.

Do this for me. And show everyone what you got. :)

______________________________________________________

(P.S. This is not a note to me. It's just my random babblings. lol)

. : Make the most of what you have : .

Hopeful October

Hi there!

This is my fist real log in quite a while and I am so excited at the moment! Autumn is here! I mean, the weather is kinda crummy. It's been rainy the past little while, and it feels like winter, but the smell of fall is running strong through the air. I love it! Going out for a smoke is becoming more of a challenge though, cause I really don't want to go out into the cold, but that's the way it is I suppose...

Today I went to an Adult Education Center to sign up in order to finish my high school credits. And I am in! I am now doing correspondence courses, and if I work my little 'hind off then I should complete a course in a month or two (fingers crossed). I'm really hoping I can push myself so I can average a course a month...let's see if I can do it! I only have four, possibly five, more credits and then I graduate! So here's to hoping!

Still looking for a job, maybe I should dye my hair to something more 'normal' cause no one has been calling me back :( That's the next thing I need to nip in the butt. If I can get a job and save up cash, I just might be able to do something more adventurous for my second Christmas! Woo!

Anyway that's pretty much all on my mind, nothing deep, just updates I suppose. So to whomever may be reading this, things are looking brighter! :)

. : When you feel like you've lost hope, that's when you need to reevaluate things in a lighter frame of mind : .

Get Caught in the Rain

Pitter patter, on my roof top.
Showering my shoulders,
the rain feels good on my skin.
Goosebumps are exhilarating.

Traffic lights twinkle,
through glistening jewels.
Falling from the sky,
and onto my face.

Splashing puddles,
skipping along.
Who said I need to grow up?
Adolescence and simplicity at its best.

Listening to the wind blow,
the cars drive, the rain fall.
I am lost in a trace.
Pure joy. Carefree!

Why is it we live so fast?
Slow down and notice the little things.
The wind, how it blows; how it tickles your skin.
Intricate designs of nature.

Standing on a lamp post,
I feel so high, my mind is blank.
I see the dark sky, awaiting the sun's arrival.
My clothes are wet, drenched in ecstasy.

Eyes and mouth; wide open.
I can taste a little bit of heaven.
Raindrops fall in a gallery.
With their black back-drop displaying their grace.

They sprinkle, lightly.
The glossy streets reflect my soul.
I am enlightened today.
One foot after the other, I head back home.

Pitter patter.
Pitter patter.
Oh inspiring.
Pitter patter.

. : Share in my joy, laugh because you can. Gurgle with delight! : .

Inconceivably Daft

You find me sexy?
Lick it up.
I'm a piece of meat afterall.
Browse the store, d'ya see what you're lookin' for?

Look me in the eye? Hardly ever!
My tits speak volumes.
"Well that's how we're wired" they say,
I know, I aint stoppin' you.

I appreciate myself, isn't that enough?
Why do others need to?
Smack me up, tear me down.
Let me hit that joint while you're at it.

"What is this place anyway?" I hear 'em say.
A sea overflowing of sex driven, drug crazy animals.
Yessiree, and I'm the entertainment for tonight!
Again and again and again.
Push me further than I ever was.

Livin' the life from fame-hungry eyes.
My devious smile give me away?
Hell no!
My shell is hard, but you bet your ass I'm soft.

Touch my lips, then my hips.
"Damn you feel so good girl!"
"Then don't stop..."
My eyes don't glow, they just lust.

Do you feel better now?
Fulfilled, accomplished; I know that's how I feel.
Cackling to myself as I light another one up.
Here's to success and happiness.

Cried yourself to sleep again?
It's ok little girl, we all get lost sometimes.
Submerged in this mess, feeling a little trapped?
But let it go with the flow, you have your grounds.

Don't fail the lookers.
Don't fail the talkers.
Don't fail the system.
These pigs need you around.

Take a glance, once more, and really look at yourself.
Is this who you thought you'd be when you were little?
Fuck it! Does it really matter?
Are you trying to reach out? Or are you just cut up, tiny, and brittle?

. : When you don't value yourself, why should others? : .

Here's To Dani

The air is still and silent,
but my soul is burning with pain.
I look up at the stars and know you're watching over.

Here's to Dani.

The world was blessed to have you,
now the heavens can share in that same joy.

Here's to Dani.

Goosebumps tingle at the very thought of you,
I feel your presence.

Here's to Dani.

Our hearts, they seep with mournful cries,
but today is YOUR day.

Here's to Dani.

As time goes on, you remain with us.
Never will you fade away.

Here's to Dani.

Your glowing spirit has touched many.
May your light shine on for eternity.

Here's to Dani.

When we weep, let our voices rise
in a thunderous choir, as we call out:

Here's to Dani!


______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
Today is Danielle Tillich's birthday, she never had the chance to turn seventeen. But I know I'll have her with me always.
Dani saved 6 lives through organ donation...I love you, Happy Birthday girl!

. : When sorrow fills your soul, find a reason to smile : .

Eat Your Heart Out

So I was sitting outside watching people, just watching; observing. And I saw many couples together. Some just strolling along, others running and laughing to get somewhere, and then, I saw this couple embracing each other. It seemed a little odd, but you know what, they didn't care. They were just purely lost in their moment. A long drawn out hug, ending with a steamy, also drawn out, kiss. It was cute. That made me think of this other couple I saw a few months ago. I was on the bus heading home after a rather active, yet boring, day; and I saw this couple get off the bus. And instead of the usual hug and kiss, I see them just ponce. The guy grabs the girl and dips her a little. With his hand grasped tightly to the back of her head, and the other hand on her waist, they're faces were locked in a Hollywood-perfect make out session. In all honesty, I thought I was watching them say goodbye forever in an epic romance film or something. It wasn't raunchy (a little unexpected and out of the norm) but it was dramatic and soulful. That makes me think. What is it like to be with someone you truly can't get enough of? All my past relationships have kinda been there solely so I wasn't alone. Yes, maybe I had a little crush or whatever, but it was never anything undying. Only my last relationship was serious, but even so, we weren't right for each other. I feel bad for the guy, but he needs better people skills, at least with the ladies. I don't know, that was a really complicated relationship, but meaningful too. I still want to be friends with him (cliche I know) and I'm hoping that will work out. Leaving that situation now though, has left me feeling, stripped. It's been 9 months since I've been this single before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I know I should be happy to be single. I'm like, free! I'm not saying I'm not happy alone, maybe its just tough right now considering all the 'issues' around me. Also there's something inside me that tells me I gotta hold out, stay single, someone great is in your midst and you don't want to give that up. Oh god! I sound so cheesy, and like, who the hell am I to get all philosophical on people... lol but yea. This is how I think I suppose. Still here, wringing out the bottom of my heart.

. : Sex is so easy, why is love so damn hard? : .

Smile for Me

Hey it's been a few days since I've blogged...just been doing a lot of thinking I guess. I have so many thoughts and I just wanna let my worries go. I feel like I'm going to explode, but I guess that wouldn't be all that healthy...besides, who would clean up the mess? But I don't know, I feel like I'm not making the most of my life right now. I'm playing it safe at the moment, when the hell do I do that? Living on the edge is enticing, I think I've have a pretty good past record of that (for a high school student anyway). But that's just the thing isn't it? I still have like 4 credits to achieve, and THEN I'll be done, I'll have my high school diploma. So maybe that's why I'm playing it safe right now. But man, sometimes I start thinking... "You're living in such a shit hole right now". I feel kinda hopeless. I don't have a job and I'm depending on Welfare. I don't have my high school finished. I feel lost, where am I heading? I don't know! I mean I know there are people who have it worse than I do, hell I'm not really even that bad off... But I want to make more of myself, experience more. Get my life on..haha! But I see people doing things, whether it's further schooling, or travelling, they are doing what they want to get what they want out of life, and me? Well I'm sitting here day after day; existing. It's as simple as that. Maybe I'm just a little depressed right now. What should I do? I wanna clear out my mind of these things, these constant worries...but I'll probably just end up clearing out a pipe, filling my lungs with more issues. I don't know. I guess I'm just stressing. Ok I get it. Paint on a smile, walk around with the mask on for a little longer. Wow do I sound pathetic to you? Either way, it's time to smoke, it's been like 5 hours since my last (mind you I did just wake up like 30 mins ago, but yea). Maybe I'll find some joy from the life outside of these four walls.

. : When you have desire and fire, don't let the storm rain it out : .

How did I get to where I am now?

Hello!

My name is Nikki (well really my name is Nicole, but merr I prefer Nikki). This is my first post here, and well, I'm not totally certain what to write today... I set this blog up because, I have crazy thoughts that swarm my mind all the time, and I need somewhere to let them loose I suppose...so here I am. I'm not really expecting anyone to be reading along, but if I get some readers that would be pretty rad :)

Sometimes I just ramble on about random nothings, but that's me I guess. I don't know what I'm looking for in life, all I know is that I want to live my life the most interesting and fulfilling way possible... Just so you all know (if there is anyone reading this) I am not always the most grammatically correct, although I will try! So please don't criticize...What am I saying? Pfft, if you want to judge, so be it, I'm not gonna tell you what to do...

I guess I'll tell you right off the bat about my parental unit, cause they have affected me in a major way. I was born and raised a Jehovah's Witness, and at age 17 I finally moved out to begin living my life the way I believe it should be. I am now 18 and have been living outside of my parents' clutch for just over a year. I have four parents, and yes, all FOUR of them are JW's... so I never got a break from the religious restrictions and all the drama. For the longest time I played their little game, pretending to be a good little 'righteous' follower of their faith, but in high school I finally made the decision of trying to break free. So I hid many things from them. I would leave my house in the morning looking nice, modest, and just perfectly presentable for my parents, but then when I got to school I would have a different outfit that I changed into. They wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be. I'm not saying the clothes I changed into were like overly revealing, or of some sort of gang...its just, my parents wanted me to be a complete 'plain jane' because I wasn't suppose to look like everyone else, I had to stand out and be 'pure'. They took this to extreme measures..it got to the point I had to hide some of my favourite nail polishes from them because yellow nail polish is 'too wild' and nail polish that is too dark is 'goth'. Like what the hell!? They were extremists in that sense and I resented them for it. I'm not saying all Jehovah Witnesses are like this, but I'm saying that I had to hide who I really was.

I had my first birthday this year! Can you imagine? And my first Christmas...and yea, that's just kinda insane! Anyway, I'm just so glad I have done what I have and I can be true to myself. I no longer have to hide behind a false shell... I feel renewed and enlightened! I can't wait to discover life, there's so many things I haven't had the opportunity to do, and now here I am, just waiting for more things to hit me like a crashing wave of choices, paths, and experiences. I am so excited! Look at me, I sound like it's my first day out of the old house, but like I said before, it's been just over a year (14 months to be more accurate). Anyway, that's that lol...

I have a real passion for music. I know most people do though, but I don't know, I feel like I would honestly die without music; i eat it up. I will listen to anything under the sun, I am honestly very open in that sense. I have a fascination with things that are different. Unique, odd, kooky... don't know what word to use, but if it seems really strange I would probably like it. I don't know if I voiced that out quite properly, but oh well... So I think I have rambled on enough for tonight... I might have gotten a bit carried away, but hey, that's ok, I don't really expect many to read lol. If you find me intriguing, or even if you think I'm just ridiculous, add me to msn or facebook, I would love to chat.

Thank you muchly! xoxox

. : Never mind me, I'm just a drifting soul : .