It's What I Want

I want to fall into sleep and never rise again.
I want to stop these tears from streaming.
I want to forget the pain and anguish.
I want to smile just once more.
I want to feel loved.
I want to cave in.

What exactly is it I want?
To finally be happy and free.
To rest in peace.

. : I'm standing by, watching my life fall apart : .

Danger is Just a Word

This is all too familiar. This is all too safe.
Excite me! Entice me!
I'm feeling too much as ease.
Leave the safety blanket behind.
I need to walk amongst the shadows.

The cold hands of hunger and fear grow,
but here I am ready to go.
Outside these walls, I'll let my guard down.
Be careful! Watch out!
I need to dabble into the unknown.

Food doesn't fuel me anymore.
Money only goes so far.
Drugs keep me wanting more.
My life is a montage of messy memories.
For a quarter I'll sing you a song of love and despair.

Lift your arms in the air and scream!
Feel your lungs, your heart, your soul.
I am free! Without a care.
Watch the onlooker, and the passerby.
Not one of them shares in my ecstasy.

No one can rob you of your goods.
Your mind is treasure chest of thoughts.
Unless you go insane, and loose all you've got.
Then all you're left with is room to breathe, and the wind on your back.
Don't leave me behind.

So take off your seat belt.
Let's walk down this jagged road hand in hand.
The clouds are forming, but I'm not scared.
I'm dressed for rainy weather.
Show me what you got, I'm ready for adventure!

. : Living life like it's gonna end tomorrow : .

New Beginnings?

Moments like these are meant to hurt.

Soak it up; cry.

Do it coz you feel like you're gonna die!

Heart pounding.

Tears streaming.

All you hear is loveless screaming.

You lay your head down, sleep this away.

Not today, not tomorrow, nor the next.

Bless your soul you fragile angel.

Someone else is more deserving of your heart.

Move on, head high, choose a new beginning, a new start. 

Breathe that fresh, crisp air!

You'll find him, I swear.

He's gotta be out there somewhere...

. : If you cry quiet enough, you can actually hear your heart breaking : .

Wait, Wonder, Walk.

The sun shines down on my face.

I feel your warmth.

All I can think of is you.

I am hopeless.

My fingers dance across these steel strings.

My mind is frozen.

I stare at everything and nothing at the same time.

I am only alive when I'm with you.

Breathe air back into my lungs!

Ignite, and let me spark.

You're imbedded in my mind.

Woven deep in my heart.

If I tried to pry you out, I would only hurt myself.

Loving you aches, but not loving you would be fatal.

So take my hand, just for now.

Walk with me to the ends of the earth.

Talk, giggle, stare, gaze.

I don't know where I am, nor do I care.

If you're with me, and I'm with you,

Then I know I'm where I belong.

_________________________________________________________________

DON'T JUDGE ME!! I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC AND LOVE CHEESY STUFF! 'NUFF SAID! LOL :)

. : Hold your breath under water, it makes things exciting : .

My darling; November.

The clouds open up like a curtain to reveal the blue sky.
The air is cool. The leaves are brown. The grass is lush.
This is November.

Feeling the need to start fresh and new.
The aroma of coffee. The silence of thought.
This is November.

The warmth of home and a comforting presence.
Toes curled under a sea of blankets.
This is November.

. : Keep me close to your heart, or else you might lose me : .

Take it off Bitch!

I'm in a reckless mood. I don't know how to describe it. I used to tell people that I want to be a porn star one day. It's funny because a bit of me actually wants to do just that. I don't really care anymore. Ideally I want to do sultry photo shoots but that still entails me to drop some clothes. So here I am. Making contact with photographers and setting stuff up. I'm going to sell my body? Really? Hmm, well, yea I suppose I am. What else am I good for? That seems like something I ought to do.
I don't really know how to feel right now. But it doesn't matter. I am one to make rash decisions. So here we go. Buckle up Nikki, this may not be a joy ride. But who knows what will come of all your crazy ideas right? Pah! Whatever! It makes you a little slut just like everyone thinks anyway right?
I've yet to find someone who truly appreciates me the way I should be. Or maybe they haven't voiced out their opinions. Or maybe I'm just being an emotional wreck just saying these stupid things. God I don't know. But either way, I am lonesome and there's no one here to comfort me. I am confused. I need to ease my mind. But I can't. Grrr! Fuck..whatever... :)

.: Sometimes my smiles are fake, they cover up what I'm not telling : .

Nevermind

I've done a lot of thinking. And maybe I'm going to come off as a bit sour. But I feel I have lost hope in some sense. I don't know where to begin. I feel like a lot of things in my life have to start from ground zero and work their way up, once again. My wall of bricks has been toppled over, and now I, alone, have to pick them up and rebuild what was once there. I am getting farther apart from my friends. I don't feel close-knit with many people anymore. My ex still wants me but I'm definitely looking for something else (which probably isn't looking for me anyway). I am a failure with my education...etc.
I want to be more than what I am. But what do I do? I sit here and sulk. How does that fix anything? Well it doesn't! And yet, here I am. Fuck!

. : I am speechless (or so I think) : .